Street Sign Part 2: U-TURN

Nothing I’ve written this year has pressed on me harder than this.  With life’s demands, it’s been impossible to clear my head enough to capture much of anything in writing.  This week, I feel such an urgency to spill this, that I can’t delay any longer.  I’ve been working on a blog about not taking offense.  No matter how hard I try to put words to the experience I had in January that hit me in the gut, I’m unable to convey it properly.  So, I’ve decided to lay that down.  There is a bigger picture coming into view that carries far more weight.  And since I, myself am the villain in this story, I can convey it with a much clearer conscience! (sigh…)

I hope you have seen the power of prayer personally.  I hope you recognize that it is more than a ritual act, or a superstitious habit.  In my experience and in the lives of countless friends, it is a real time, powerful conversation with an eternal, living God who is never too busy to listen. In my community, many of us have prayed together for terminally ill friends and their families. Recently, we have been agonizing in prayer over lives lost too early… especially in our high school.  What happens when we pray?  Here is one example I can share.

I have four sons… they are ages 11 – 26.  Billy and I pray for them, and sometimes for the women they will marry… (help these women Lord, and start while they are young!)  We long to see our sons develop confidence in God’s presence and a myriad of good character traits.  Many of my prayers are prompted by their failings in these areas. These guys are regularly in the mix with friends and neighbors, and often “stuff happens” and usually it’s all in good fun.  A few months ago, my youngest son Luke felt a little traumatized in an interaction with an older boy.  Apparently, the older boy felt traumatized too and felt my son was equally at fault.  I contacted the mom… and I left the issue sort of unresolved because my perspective was so different from hers. I harbored a grudge that this boy, let’s call him “Jim”, was at fault and was not being held accountable for what he did.  As a believing mom, I pray, release it and have hope. God hears our prayers. Life goes on…

The other day, my middle son Kyle came home from school with a story about Jim. Jim was telling the pack of boys about the day a few months ago that he had overpowered Luke enough to send him home crying. He was admitting the very behavior I thought he denied a few months ago. This triggered an immediate response from me.  In honesty… prayer was NOT my first gut reaction as the words came out of Kyle’s mouth.  I asked Kyle if he felt willing to have this discussion with Jim and his mom right then, and he was willing. By the grace of God, my friend was on the phone and prayed with me… (for God to be glorified in some way and for the supernatural ability to be kind in my anger) before I stomped over to Jim’s house…. yes… I stomped over to Jim’s house. UGH!

The funny thing is… I really like Jim’s mom, and know she is also a follower of Christ.  You would know it’s true, by the poise and patience she showed me as I approached her. Honestly, this was not my shining hour.  I’m still quite embarrassed about how I must have appeared, but truth is truth.  I proceeded to greet her, present the case against Jim, back it up with facts and some accusations… oh, and some names for people who lie and refuse to take accountability, and instructions on how to discipline boys (since I know so much)… and advice on how to teach them to be better friends… etc.  Apparently, I was a little loud (Kyle has reminded me over and over since that day)… and used words we don’t normally use at our house, just to let her know what Jim was accused of saying of course, (more than a few times… and not 4 letter ones).  Kyle stayed composed and considerate, and reiterated the details as needed.  Jim countered with his perspective.  His mom interjected, and I kept speaking over her, to make sure she would get my point.

Well… this mom held her peace to an astonishing degree, and gave me her ear, to an even more astonishing degree. Jim, however, was visibly shaken and feeling assaulted, and excused himself near tears at some point.  But, instead of coming to agreement with my evaluation of the incident, she wanted to trace the conversation back to what happened before Jim talked about Luke.  I was resistant, because I wanted to hold him accountable for his part… but, she was insistent.  So… I listened.  And, so did Kyle.

She asked Kyle what the boys were discussing before Jim brought up the Luke incident, and what happened when Jim was playing with the group of boys the day before.  Now, it was my turn to be educated.  I was getting a glimpse of a boy trying to be a part of a bigger pack of boys.  The boys were accusing Jim of being a punk… so, he was trying to prove he wasn’t one by talking about Luke. He scuffled with the boys the day before and used words kids use to prove they have enough edge, to try and fit in with the pack… he was literally pushed out of the pack, physically… and sent home alone. In fact, there had been a threat looming that he would have to fight one of the boys after school.  Kyle confirmed it.

I listened.  I weighed it.  I felt I heard enough to evaluate it.  Somehow, unbelievably, I still wasn’t willing to concede Jim’s responsibility in the matter, and how he may have incited some of these situations.  I told her that she is doing her son a disservice when she doesn’t make him admit when he is wrong, or give him consequences.  She asked me how I know she doesn’t.  That was a GOOD question… so, I skipped it and moved on.  Then, I pointed out that, as far as the boy bothering Jim, she could have easily called his mom and reasoned with her. I certainly would have.  To which she said… “would you?”  Had I considered that Jim would stand alone, and the other boy has tons of friends that would certainly know that Jim’s mom called his mom and what a bigger punk they would make him out to be then?

Finally, that’s when I saw the sign… it was a U-TURN…and my ears were opened.

I heard the slightest whisper in my heart.  And when I say whisper… I mean it. It was a barely perceptible nudge. I looked at her face and the sincerity in it.  I looked at Kyle’s face and the wonder and concern in it.  And I heard this whisper say… this mother is Jim’s only friend. And it stopped me in my tracks. I was wondering how I would discipline Kyle differently, if I knew I was the only one who would ever stand up for him.  How much more would I hold him up if I knew he usually stood alone.  Would I admit his failings readily, and risk one more person judging him as “less than”?

Then, I heard something else.  This mom was addressing my son.  She looked him in the eye, and said “I’ve been wanting to say something to you for a week now.  I want to thank you Kyle, for what you did the other day.”  Somehow all my wordy energy dissipated.  I was standing like a deer in headlights, frozen and more than a little confused.  Her eyes brimmed with tears, and she explained that she wanted to call and tell me how Kyle looked out for Jim last week at school, and the other guys followed his lead.   He simply questioned why they were harassing him, and they stopped. But, she knew it could open up a can of worms with me, so she decided not to bother approaching me at all.  Kyle never thought twice about that day, so he didn’t mention it to me either.

“A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”  Proverbs 15:1 NLT

So, now I could see.  The past 20 minutes were passing before my eyes, and there was no way to erase it.  I could see the anguish of a mom, who has to keep correcting a son for the manner he is using to try and be accepted.  This is a boy who keeps on trying and failing, and gets up and tries again and is rejected, over and over again.  And when he hears a kind word, he goes home and tells his mom.  My eyes started brimming then.

Could I erase the things I had already spoken?  Nope.

Can the Lord redeem these very words… Yup.

I asked her if Jim might be willing to come back outside, because I had something to say to him.  He was reluctant for obvious reasons… but, she convinced him.  I had the chance to tell Jim I understood what he was dealing with.  I also asked him to forgive me for the names I called him and the harsh things I said.  Then, I reminded him of his value, the wonderful way he was made, and the gift that he truly is.  I esteemed his mother for contending with my attitude the way she did, and what a show of love for her son that truly was.  Then, right there on their front porch… where I had been ranting a few minutes earlier… we thanked the Lord for fresh starts and new beginnings.  We prayed, that the Lord would use this moment as a turning point toward transformation.  Kyle and I committed that the Ables would be a safe place for Jim and that we will have his back from now on.  He agreed that he would admit when he makes a mistake and not be afraid to ask forgiveness, just like I had to do that very moment.  We are looking for transformation in the life of a boy who longs to be accepted and understood.  That day the Ables family had a meeting.  We shared this experience (I’ll spare you the colorful rendition Kyle gave, about his mom’s antics… UGH!) We prayed for each other to be more sensitive to the opportunities we have to encourage people who need it, and to help us see with the eyes of Jesus, not just our own skewed vision.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  Galatians 6:9 NIV

So, what happens when we pray?  Hearts can change.  Whether our prayers are prompted by desperation, gratitude or habit, a sincere prayer is heard by the Living God.  When we pray for the concerns in our community we may need to brace ourselves a little.  God hears our prayers. When we are desperate for hope to be restored and help to come, we may be the vehicle He plans to use for that very purpose.  I have some U-TURNS to make, how about you?

By the way, my boys are not always the ones with the gentle word, and I guess you see that I’m not either.  But, as people who pray, we need to be aware that we are surrounded by many who don’t.  Our children who know God, need to be aware that they may be surrounded by people who don’t, not really.  If we are being shocked by the despair in the kids in our community, and the lengths they will go to to escape it, we need to recognize something.  Most of the boys in our little pack attend church every Sunday, and pray with their families at home.  They’ve attended AWANA, or say the rosary, or sing the Christian hymns, and serve at the volunteer opportunity with their parents. Then, there are a few who don’t.  They may have never entered a church or had prayer with their parents.  So… out in the pack, when it’s just guys being guys (or girls being girls), why do they all look, sound and behave exactly the same at times, and why are they willing to leave someone standing all alone?  How many of us grown ups do the same?

“Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law.”   James 2:8-9 NLT

Maybe our guys and girls, who do believe in eternity with God or apart from Him should consider being the voice of reason, or saying a kind word more often.  It’s never too early for a U-TURN but it could sometimes be too late